Monday, January 01, 2007

New Year, New Blog Color

Not exactly daring, but I am ready for green. It's January and I need the bright reminder that spring will come.

Do you ever face a new year with apprehension? 2005 was magical, in every way. 2006 was good--really, really good. Yet right towards the end, I've felt the wobbling of the tower. It's as if the foundations are shifting, I'm noticing the tremors and I'm hoping that these are merely after shocks of some positive experiences, and not the forshadowing of an emotional earthquake. We southern Californians always do a double take when the earth moves a bit. Is this left over from the last shaking or is it new? Is the big one coming? I hope not.

These are the sorts of worries I nurse when insomnia kicks in.
  • I've given up the women's forum that I moderated for seven years. We still do meet online, but the space I created is now empty of new posts and I miss the old context and the dream it represented.
  • Grad school ends in May. Xavier is what has made my transition to Ohio especially meaningful. I have loved all four years, every class. To think of not being a student is as though I'm saying good-bye to my youthful self again, only this time for good. I loved college. I love grad school. I love learning. I love being young.
  • Johannah will leave for college in the fall. That means we'll have two kids gone. She won't be as close to home as Noah. Her nearest choice is two hours and the furthest is 13 driving. So in any case, she won't be popping home like Noah does.
  • Jacob will start full time high school next fall. I feel sadness at watching my little homeschool dwindle to two.
  • We have no big trips planned this year. After one summer in Italy and the next in California, 2007 looks bleak of scenery and absent of family.
  • I feel internally antsy about my business. It's gone very well in the last two years, but I know it depends on me to take the next step for its continued growth, and I feel unqualified to manage the next stage.... which means hiring people and adding a layer of complexity I am anxious about handling.
  • I feel different. There is a difference in my body, mind, personality. Perhaps it is the mid-forties which are causing me to shed layers of pretense, to not have patience for poor writing, to feel cranky about how quickly time goes by, to want to "write that book" already and quit thinking about it, to wish I could exercise more and find time to do it without guilt that I'm taking time away from the kids. There is an urgency in me that is conflicting with the creeping anxiety that I can't or won't or might miss it somehow - that the window is closing.
  • I worry more. As our kids get older, I find myself less confident about how it will all turn out. And I love them more than ever.
So now for my yogic breaths: iiiiiinnnnnn through the nose........ ooooooouttttttt through the mouth. Four times.

Ahhhhhhh.

Namaste.

5 comments:

TiaDavidandOurLittleChickens said...

Ah! It's that "I feel different" one that is going to provide all that "oompf" to get some really neat things done this year! I understand your angsty feeling but I can't help but get more than a little excited for you over what this next year is going to hold for you. Sounds like an adventure!!

SusansPlace said...

The New Year is always bittersweet for me. There are things I'm excited about and things that I would just as soon not face.

What are your plans for after graduation? When will you write that book? :-)

BTW, it was a big adjustment for me when Ana and Nicole went off to college and there were only two at home, and one was an 8th grader. I understand that feeling of loneliness and loss!

Hugs,
Susan

Dave said...

So... it's been a couple days. Was this just a mood or is it sticking around a bit longer than that? I'm quite enjoying this new year so far (just into it, of course, I know, but it's been a pretty memorable couple of days for me!) and I don't even mind being 45 even though I relate to a lot of what you are saying here. I haven't written my book either, and I haven't even begun any post-grad work! One of my twins has decided to drop out of community college (I don't intend to blog about that) and I'm even beginning to toy with the idea of pursuing a significant career change sometime in the foreseeable future (I will blog about that when the time is right.)

So yeah, there's a lot of potential drama and shake-up on the horizons for both (all) of us in 2007. But my overall mood at the moment is, "cool, let's see what happens!"

julieunplugged said...

Dave, thanks for asking. I am a little better today. Once things got back under way in real life, I sort of adjusted. I did almost keel over into a death faint this a.m. when I tried to update my firmware on my new Macbook Pro and accidentally killed the update and shut down my computer so that it would not reboot!

Thankfully the patient Apple tech support walked me through a fix which worked on the second try. Phew.

Like you I face lots of changes, and I think in the end, good things may pop through like daisies. It's just odd not to have an idea of what that good may look like.

Thanks for asking and glad you are enthusiastic. Your enthusiasm is usually contagious so I'll be looking to catch the bug from you. :)

Julie

Emily Oliver said...

Hey Julie! Happy New Year. So you're done in May, too? Are you writing a thesis? I am and it's not going at all as I intended or thought it would. I'm not sure your feelings of urgency are related to age because I'm 27 and feeling antsy. 2006 was rough, especially the end, and I'm staring at a scary beginning to 2007 filled with worries about actually finishing my thesis and having absolutely no idea what I'm going to do once I'm done. Argh!
Anyway, all that was just to commiserate. If you'd like to get together to go over writing stuff, send me an email! habakkuk317@yahoo.com