Tuesday, September 11, 2007

I wish theology were more like sports

True to my fan-gurl self, I've been sports obsessing for what feels like years but is only about two weeks... since football returned to HDTV. God who? Imago Dei what?

I went back to read some of the blogs and discussion groups I frequent where we hack through the theological rough with a sand wedge and realized I'm bored with the talk (at least for now). The atmosphere is so heavy, like bricks tied to your cleats. Where's the enthusiasm? The face-painting? The trash talking of theological opponents? For the love of Chad Johnson, can't we bring the sexy back to theology?

In his honor, I now give you "my sexy."

T-shirts that spell T-U-L-I-P on the front.

On the back:

T-otally going to heaven

U-totally aren't

L-ike ever

I-'m in

P-resbyterians rule!

2 Timothy 4:7 Iron Man
(Aka "The never-been-licked" FedEx Envelope)

"Run the race" - Pastors sprint/jog/crawl from local church to nearest hospital carrying Large Print KJV Bible under one arm and serpentine staff in the other. First one to Intensive Care unit and healing a patient wins leg one of race.

"Fight the good fight"
- Pastors armed with memory verses in their own tradition hurl theological insults at opponents while striking each other's cheeks. First one to turn the other while granting forgiveness takes this round. (Must sweat blood before forgiveness can be granted.)

"Finish the course" - Remaining pastors plunge into frigid waters where they will swim seven (the holy number) miles to a float. Then, while artificially induced winds are conjured from an overhead helicopter, pastors will walk on water back to shore. Those who sink are witches and must be burned at the stake (oh, wait, that's a different game, sorry). Correction, those who sink, must swim declaring every third stroke, "I, of little faith." First four back to shore enter final round.

"Kept the faith" - The final round requires climbing a rope in a mega church gymnasium. Pastors must hoist the week's offering in one hand while climbing. Offering goes into FedEx envelope which pastor then licks and seals. While hanging, pastor addresses envelope to one of three choices: Planned Parenthood, Muslim suicide bomber family relief fund, Britney Spear's wardrobe assistant.

To win, either a) send the money (proving you love your enemies as Jesus commands), or b) persuade a panel of Free Thinkers that you are inhibited from finishing the Iron Man on theological grounds. (Good luck with that.)

Member Mike: So Thom, the offensive line at church this week really rattled the congregation.

St. Thom: True that. The announcement that gays will be married in the church offended a significant number of the church's defenders. We'll have to see how the secondary handles this one.

Member Mike: Apparently the pastor's two-a-days with the staff will focus on heavy-weight Scripture lifting to build up out-of-date theology.

St. Thom: Not so fast. The elders will hold the line. They've got big bucks on their side. I'm predicting a cosmic clash of economic proportions.

Member Mike: Not if the pastor makes use of his first round draft pick: Jesus Seminar member, Ring MyBels, from "Hipper than Thou Seminary" on the east coast. Did you see how that guy muscled his way to national notoriety through his blog?

St. Thom: But who reads him? Fans, to be sure. But the haters are a much bigger group.

Member Mike: The future depends on a quick, strong, offense who spreads it out over the net. Defenders, in the end, are never as compelling.


Ampersand said...

If only!

Dave said...

Love the creative, hyped-up imagination you put into this, Julie! Amazing how consuming all this is, huh?

I am ridiculous. I stayed up until 1 a.m. watching the 49ers-Cardinals game last night and was really sweating it as Edgerrin James' rushing totals kept creeping higher, putting my lead in jeopardy (in my work league.) As AZ moved down toward its second TD of the game, James was a bruiser and I could just see him scoring the six that would doom my team (the Wyoming Tumbleweeds, btw.)

Instead, Lienart saved my bacon by tossing the TD to Boldin! That kept me in front by less than 3 points. I had to watch the game to the finish though to make sure that the ball stayed out of Edge's hands. I was also rooting for the 49ers. I enjoyed seeing those gleaming golden helmets again as it reminded me of happy years gone by watching Joe Montana and Steve Young run the Niner Dynasty, showing the world how football is meant to be played.

You won't believe this but it's true - as I was watching Alex Smith drive his team down the field, our cable system conked out on us, losing the feed for ESPN as well as CNN, MSNBC and a whole complex of other channels! It was outrageous! I had to run downstairs and "watch" the final game-winning touchdown unfold on the box-score on my computer! How ridiculous - after staying up so late and being such a dedicated fan, this is the treatment I get?

But I'm glad that the 49ers and the Tumbleweeds both won their games! (I've already moved on from my loss to Matt - it just proves that I didn't rig the league in my favor when I set it up...)

Bilbo said...

You forgot once saved always saved...I do miss the face painting and theological hacking of the old days...Not sure what this all means because I suspect you aren't the only one who is bored...Nice work...very creative....

Cheryl said...

LOL!!! Great stuff!!

Dcn Scott Dodge said...

Like Utah (my alma mater) 44 and UCLA (yours) 6? Sorry, I just had to write something!

julieunplugged said...

Oh you are so cruel. I couldn't even face writing about it so I ignored it, just like I'm ignoring the Bengals atrocious loss as well. At least Tiger won. :)

Congrats to your Utah team.

Dcn Scott Dodge said...

Your disappointment is only surpassed by my shock that they pulled it off! One thing about sports and theology, Christian theology anyway, is that each game marks a nwe beginning.