True to my fan-gurl self, I've been sports obsessing for what feels like years but is only about two weeks... since football returned to HDTV. God who? Imago Dei what?
I went back to read some of the blogs and discussion groups I frequent where we hack through the theological rough with a sand wedge and realized I'm bored with the talk (at least for now). The atmosphere is so heavy, like bricks tied to your cleats. Where's the enthusiasm? The face-painting? The trash talking of theological opponents? For the love of Chad Johnson, can't we bring the sexy back to theology?
In his honor, I now give you "my sexy."
T-shirts that spell T-U-L-I-P on the front.
On the back:
T-otally going to heaven
2 Timothy 4:7 Iron Man
(Aka "The never-been-licked" FedEx Envelope)
"Run the race" - Pastors sprint/jog/crawl from local church to nearest hospital carrying Large Print KJV Bible under one arm and serpentine staff in the other. First one to Intensive Care unit and healing a patient wins leg one of race.
"Fight the good fight" - Pastors armed with memory verses in their own tradition hurl theological insults at opponents while striking each other's cheeks. First one to turn the other while granting forgiveness takes this round. (Must sweat blood before forgiveness can be granted.)
"Finish the course" - Remaining pastors plunge into frigid waters where they will swim seven (the holy number) miles to a float. Then, while artificially induced winds are conjured from an overhead helicopter, pastors will walk on water back to shore. Those who sink are witches and must be burned at the stake (oh, wait, that's a different game, sorry). Correction, those who sink, must swim declaring every third stroke, "I, of little faith." First four back to shore enter final round.
"Kept the faith" - The final round requires climbing a rope in a mega church gymnasium. Pastors must hoist the week's offering in one hand while climbing. Offering goes into FedEx envelope which pastor then licks and seals. While hanging, pastor addresses envelope to one of three choices: Planned Parenthood, Muslim suicide bomber family relief fund, Britney Spear's wardrobe assistant.
To win, either a) send the money (proving you love your enemies as Jesus commands), or b) persuade a panel of Free Thinkers that you are inhibited from finishing the Iron Man on theological grounds. (Good luck with that.)
Member Mike: So Thom, the offensive line at church this week really rattled the congregation.
St. Thom: True that. The announcement that gays will be married in the church offended a significant number of the church's defenders. We'll have to see how the secondary handles this one.
Member Mike: Apparently the pastor's two-a-days with the staff will focus on heavy-weight Scripture lifting to build up out-of-date theology.
St. Thom: Not so fast. The elders will hold the line. They've got big bucks on their side. I'm predicting a cosmic clash of economic proportions.
Member Mike: Not if the pastor makes use of his first round draft pick: Jesus Seminar member, Ring MyBels, from "Hipper than Thou Seminary" on the east coast. Did you see how that guy muscled his way to national notoriety through his blog?
St. Thom: But who reads him? Fans, to be sure. But the haters are a much bigger group.
Member Mike: The future depends on a quick, strong, offense who spreads it out over the net. Defenders, in the end, are never as compelling.