Monday, March 28, 2005

Catharsis: I hate...

I hate water seeping through the basement floors so that I have to bail it multiple times a day when it rains.
I hate it that the dog won't pee outside at night in the rain.
I hate it that I'm the one who is neurotic about said dog and so I actually get up at 4 a.m., chase him downstairs and then stand in the rain tossing him off the deck so that he will go under the deck and PEE (which took four tries last night).
I hate that I have yet to eradicate the smell of pee in my living room and art room, my favorite lime green room in the house where my theology, art and Laura Ingalls Wilder books are all housed.
I hate that the week we have off from school, it is raining.
I hate the rain.
I hate that I hate the rain since I used to love, love, love it.
I hate the fact that spirituality is so nebulous and that faith is riddled with superstition.
I hate that when you call something in the faith 'superstitious' people get their backs up and try to prove to you that what they believe isn't superstitious.
I hate that Christianity is so hard to figure out, yet has a hold over me at the same time.
I hate that attempts to reconstruct Christianity are met with resistance and complexity that makes the ideas non-transferable.
I hate that holidays like Easter and Christmas are supposed to be meaningful only to those of the "born-again" literal variety of faith so that if a person celebrates them without that version of the story, that person is seen as a hypocrite, or worse, 'not saved'.
I hate being the impotent mother of teens with angst.
I hate regrets.
I hate it that I can't apologize to someone whose life I deeply hurt and who never wants to hear from me again.
I hate being cyber stalked. (You know who you are.)
I hate shopping.
I hate untimely death.
I hate not having a best friend in town.
I hate being so far from the ocean.
I hate caring so much about stuff.

I hate nostalgia and home videos and photographs and idealism and war and missions and the fact that some people worry about the state of my soul.

I love my family... especially Jon.


Bilbo said...

Hi Julie,

While I seldom use the word hate I do often use the phrase "I can't stand" when talking about many of the things you mention in this post. Thanks for sharing from your heart. It's a relief to know that others also struggle with day to day living. Great to hear that you have a strong connection with your husband and your family. It's a real struggle/challenge on the family front living in these modern times and it's encouraging to hear that others are apparently doing well....Here's my own list of things I hate or "can't stand"....

I hate when others cannot or are unable to recieve the love I have to offer.

I hate hot weather.

I hate that it is so difficult for Christians to unconditionally accept where people are regarding their spirituality and theology.

I hate not having a place to call my own.

I hate the direction public education is going.

I hate Las Vegas.

I hate interpersonal relationships that are not built on mutual respect and equality but rather on fear, guilt, and shame.

I hate not expressing love to my mother and ex-wife in a way that I know they needed and deserved.

I hate that life is becoming increasingly complex with each passing year.

I hate talking with lawyers and going to court.

I hate it when people project onto me their own inner demons.

But....I love life in general and despite my ups and downs I feel like I am becoming a better, stronger, and more emphathetic person who has something to offer to others....

my15minutes said...

I have finally caught up reading your blog. Loved the cathartic trip you took here. Also thought the pics of Liam were great, and the Emily Dickenson poem oh-so-appropo.