Sunday, July 27, 2008

Therapy: a lot like a mortar and pestle...

with me starring as "clove of garlic."

You know what that is, right? That big granite stone "pounder" that thwacks the willing and cringing garlic clove by smashing its pearly white body against the granite-y bowl beneath until all that remains is shredded garlic shards and pungent clear juice? Welcome to my life in therapeutic conditions!

I keep starting blog entries only to realize that I shouldn't probably detail the latest dysfunction that is plaguing me in front of the entire blogosphere since, you know, I do have a private life... though you may be thinking that I already pretty much bare my little soul here anyway and why not just rip open the bodice a little further? What's the harm?

This time, it's not just my bodice I'd have to rip. So I feel more cautious about sharing what is happening in my life.

I could have written about Obama's epic campaign stop in Berlin (Good Lord - does this mean we can travel abroad again and the "Kill Bush" graffiti might be scrubbed clean? We don't have to pretend to be Canadians any more?)

And I did find this hilarious translation of the Bible. Do you know LOLCat? It's a crazy language based on pairing gamer writing with images of cats, making them say and do ridiculous things. You can read more here.

Here's what they say about the translation project.

Really though, what you need to read is Exodus 20 (The Ten Commandments) in LOLCat. As Dr. Dewey says, "Oddly the Bible is clearer in Cat."
1 Then Ceiling Cat spoked all them werds:

2 I iz Ceiling Cat An I iz Top Cat, An I broughted u out of hawt lend wit no cheezbrgrs for hard werk at all

3 No can has other ceiling cat!! U gotz other Ceiling Cat, I shoot yous wit mah lazer eyes.

4 If u try be Ceiling Cat of any of mai creayshunz up in floaty skai, down in erth or in watr or I shoot yous wit mah lazer eyes.5 If u think faek Ceiling Cat iz Ceiling Cat, I mek u ded An ur kittens ded An if yur kittenz have kittenz, dey be ded too, for being stupid.6 If not I wuv u An all ur lotz uf kittenz!

7 U sez Ceiling Cat bad, I shoot yous wit mah lazer eyes, cuz I dun liek it. Srsly.

8 Remembur caturday An keep holy. 9 U werk 6 dais An finish werk, K? 10 Caturday, u no werk. U An all ur peepz go wrship me. And, if yu beez gudd, I maks it so yu can stays home and do alla stuffs yu wanted tu doos. 11 I maded heavenz An erth An see An the stuff that does teh funney hoppey stuffz in An on it - so I make it holy cuz I no werk.

12 Bez u good to papa An mama so u has long lief.

13 U no maek peepz ded! Srsly!

14 U no maek sexxes wit other gurlz or menz than ur wief (so no awsum treesum alowed!).

15 U no taek stuffs for free if not getz for free.

16 U no tell bad stuff about ur neibor.

17 U no wantz neibor stuff! No wief, no gurlz, no menz, no animulz, NO BUKKITZ! DEY NOT UR BUKKITZ, K? dey da LOLrus' bukkits.

18 When peepz see mai great orkestr wit thundr An all cool speshul effects thei wur scardy wimps

19 Thei sed to Moses 'U goez speek to uz An we will listen; but Ceiling Cat will shoot us wit its lazer eyes!'

20 Moses LOL'd lotz, An a bit moar, for thei wuz such wimps, An sed 'Ceiling Cat no maek u ded; he just wantz to hav fun wit u gais An maek u scaredy cats so u obei him.'

21 But peepz wur still wimps An let Moses go ther to Ceiling Cat.
Ceiling Cat roolz for idles an alters

22 Ceiling Cat sez "Tellz them wimpies: 'U see I spoked to u from big ceilingz. 23 U no mek me of silvar or goldz.

24 U mek me altar of erth An gif me pwnz0rzed animulz ther An I gif u cheezburgr. 25 But u no maek me altar of bjutiful stonez. DO NOT WANT! 26 An u no use steps on altar or I can see ur penises. DO NOT WANT!"

For the "not prudish" (and not easily offended by graphic sexuality - though any student of the Bible cannot in fact be a prude cuz apparently Ceiling Cat likz to tawk teh secks a lot!), here's Leviticus 18:
6 No can has teh secks wif teh fambily. I are teh CEILING CAT.

7 No can has teh surprise buttsecks wif ur daddy. No can has teh surprise buttsecks wif ur mommy, or dey wil b teh ghey.

8 No can has teh secks wif ur daddy's hoez, dats like teh buttsecks wif ur daddy.

9 No can has teh secks wif ur sister. No iz okai for teh beej. Srry.

10 No can has teh secks wif da kitteh uf ur kitteh.

11 No can has teh heej from teh cuzins. Srry.

12 No can has teh secks wif teh auntie.

13 No cans get teh beej wif auntie too. Srry.

14 No can has teh buttsecks wif teh unkl. He are teh goatse.

15 No can has beej from dawter in law. Well okai maibe sumtimes.

16 No can has teh secks wif ur broes hoes. Dats ur bro d00d!

17 No can has gangbang wif grandma and granddawter.

18 No can has gangbang wif ur hoes sisturz.

19 No can get ur harbl wetted when ur hoes has teh bluds in hur harbl.

20 No can has teh secks wif ur naiborz wife.

21 No can gif ur kitteh to teh fire of teh Molech. I are ceiling cat.

22 No can has mansex liek has ladysex. (hehe) Taht iz teh ghey.

23 No can has teh dogsecks. No can has secks wif teh horse. No can do teh goats. Srsly.

24 Guys, you no can has. Teh hoes is myne. 25 If u teks mai hoes, I pwn u.
So hope that caught you up a bit with me and my recent perusings and meanderings.

I've made a vow not to have teh secks with anyone, just to be safe from the lazer eyes of Ceiling Cat.

4 comments:

Ampersand said...

zOMG! I lik so needed tihs laff tooday.

LOLz.

Cheryl said...

I lurvz LOLcats!

Bilbo said...

Hi Julie,

After reading your LOLCat translation it sounds like you have exchanged sharing one form of dysfunction for another...I do understand the temptation to blog about one's personal life, especially when one is digging up the various layers which have often been dormant for so many years. A couple of options I have found helpful if one feels like they are going to burst is to either leak out some of the primordial angst using vague or esoteric language or start another blog using an anonymous alter ego.

australisa said...

Awww, I visit icanhascheezburger every day!

Let's tell the whole story though. You didn't mention basement cat or
his evil minions. Thank heavens for witness kittehs