Second Adolescence

I was driving home from grad school last Wednesday realizing that in many ways my life reminds me of college but with a lot more responsibility. Remember how college felt huge and life beyond it scary and unknown, even though exciting and open to possibilities? For me, this huge world of ideas (much bigger than my crumbling family or my little town of Calabasas) blew open the doors of life and I couldn't wait to figure out my place in it, even while the thought terrified me.

The biggest idea was of cosmic proportions! My faith became real in college and helped me to sort out the whys and wherefores of my future: who I'd marry, how I'd serve others, what I imagined my entire life to be like at the other end, how I'd make decisions about values and ethics and work and child-rearing, how I understood who I was and what I was supposed to become...

So here I am at forty-three and suddenly many of those topics are re-opened... except now instead of them looming in the unknown future, they're mixed up with gratitude and regret about the past, while making course corrections for the future. And I'm more than knee-deep in faith and theology again, fine tuning what I thought would have been immovable positions back when I took them.

The future still looks big and looming... but suddenly I'm aware that I will not always be in it. That is probably the weirdest part of all. And all the cosmological issues are right here, not as theories for old people but as important touchstones for the future of our planet and humanity, not just my little life.

I remember looking forward to the day when my opinions would finally count, be heard... Well that day has arrived and instead, I offer uncertainty and flexibility and a profound awareness of my limitations to ever really know anything well enough, to be smart enough or educated enough or insightful enough or committed enough or competent enough... (Doesn't that sound like adolescence of another sort?) to really know. It would be so much easier (and less interesting) to bluster or cling to what I thought I knew.

But, I love learning about all of this stuff at this stage of life. In college the first time, it was all "for the first time." I "got it" in a general, "Whoa! That's big stuff" kind of way. This time around (and twenty-five years later), my appreciation for and understanding of the issues/ideas is deeper. I "make connections" and they blow my doors off. I love learning now in the same way I was boy crazy as a teen. There isn't an idea I don't want to fondle or molest in some dark corner!

Remember these feelings?

--Studying your body in the mirror for flaws. I was always so worried about being small, undeveloped, not pretty enough, not sexy. Today, I am conscious of my body shape, metabolism, hormonal changes, facial lines, greying hair... and can get down about it. I deliberately celebrate when I strike a look that makes me feel sexy. I stop now, look full in the mirror and say, "Hey Julie, you look hot!" because if I don't notice now, it will never happen. (I am lucky to have a husband who always notices me... what would I do without him?)

--Being run by hormones. I'm totally hormonal, with all the attendant fluctuations of sexual appetite and being really pissed off... Really mad. Did I mention I suddenly got a temper? When I was thirteen, I'd come home from school and slam all the shutters on the windows as hard as I could. I sort of feel like that every ten days or so, but we have no shutters.

--Wondering what you'd do when you grow up. I would never have put myself in a business context in college. I was opposed to the aims of business. So here I am running one. What does that mean?!?

--Having to join "the system." I remember distinctly freaking out about having to pay taxes, wondering about health insurance and salaries... Ha! Here I am again, only this time taxes are three times as complicated with a business and I have to think about scary stuff like retirement.

--Doing new stuff with passion. I have a sudden influx of wanting to do silly, wild things. I would love to go kayaking. That's a long standing dream of mine. I even have an article from the newspaper that is ten years old of kayaking in Alaska. I would love to travel more, to take a class in watercolor and beat back my fear of painting.

--Being a culture vulture. I admit that I like pop music and eating junk food when I want to and watching stupid sit coms and movies. I want to be able to stomp my feet, giggle, be cool or uncool, picky and smart ass when I want to.

--Being sick of school. Today, I am sick of cooking in the same way.

--Wanting life to be one big party. I want to have fun... and am old enough and baby-free enough to make it happen! That's one of the good things about the forties.