Sunday, May 13, 2007
The Mommy Track
We had brunch at our favorite French buffet. Of course, we weren't the only ones who thought breakfast at The Grande Finale was a good idea and so we had over an hour wait. We trucked through the little village where the restaurant is located and took photographs. Reminded me of Italy where we'd meander through unknown streets, holding hands, laughing and taking pictures.
I've been emotional all day and yesterday and all last week and the week before. The ending of grad school, Johannah leaving for college imminently, Noah spending the summer in California building houses (he'll be staying and working with family), Jacob starting full time high school in the fall... all of this is ahead of me or happening to me or them or us right now. Life is flying by, these small hours.
I'm restless. I find myself wandering through websites long neglected during this last push for the MA. I'm interested and agitated both. Who will I talk to now? What will we talk about? Can I put together three words that mean anything to anyone else? I suddenly feel out of sorts.
I want to return to the old life - the one that plans dinner and shops for it, that keeps my office floor clear of stacked books and Xeroxed e-reserve articles, the life that plans parties for the kids or shops for summer bathing suits or lays around at the pool while Liam and Caitrin slide down the slides. So much has been on hold.
I can see why women with careers have a hard time juggling it all. My mind is already screaming, "Don't forget about me!" Well, yeah, how could I? You're so danged insistent. On the other hand, it's time to tell my brain to take a chill pill and live a little. One friend (John) suggested I get out a magazine, flip it open to the middle and then work left and right until I find two recipes. Make them both.
You know what? That's about the best advice I've received so far. I think my mind needs to be deliberately shut up. Time to be a mommy again, full hearted. Then we'll see what comes next. Most of my friends and Jon seem certain something will... I can't see around that corner yet. And it makes me a little panicky.