Thursday, August 17, 2006

So Benji Can Dance!

Do you know his story? Mormon kid who goes on a mission. When he leaves the state of Utah to venture into worlds unknown (any city that doesn't have the word "Salt" in its name), he leaves behind a fiance (which means a virgin, Mormon bride-to-be). Benji gives up dance, sex for two years and serves God.

Meanwhile, the virgin couldn't keep her knees together that long, not another day. She goes forth and finds a new guy ready to get it on as well.

Benji comes home horny and frustrated from working in a mission field where bike riding had to substitute for dance and sex (and public transportation, as well... **scratching head*** what's up with that anyway? I digress).

In Benji's huge bucket of mail collected while he door-to-doored foreigners, the top white envelope (with his name written in that annoying wedding invitation caligraphy) contains a card that discloses an alarming fact: his "fiance" is actually to be wedded to some other Mormon virgin... one who not only didn't go on a mission, but doesn't dance, either.

Benji is heart-broken. Now without purpose or bicycle, Benji must scrounge around for a few scraps of dignity. He remembers that he dances. He reminds himself that he can dance. So he leaves Utah, a second time... He travels to Los Angeles where he will dance his broken-heart out for the "jedges" (as Cat Deely mispronounces far too many times each show).

It's not a sure thing. The scrutinizing, verbose jedges see his West Coast Swing skills (all Mormon and fundamentalist Christian kids know that swing is the only sexually pure dance form) as limiting. Could he hip hop? Would he be able to crump? Can he, in short, make any moves that show off his ass and hide his virginity? To turn up the juice, Benji grabs his kissin' cousin Heidi and tears up the floor, anyway. They show those jedges how it's done. And both make the top twenty.

Our jedges told Benji's tale of woe pretty frequently in the early weeks, building up Benji's reputation as jilted lover cum do-gooder. But he needed no such props. Benji's first dance with Donyelle was a hip hop routine called "Too Much Booty" and our little Mormon ex-missionary shook it like the dirty dancer he was not supposed to be!

Nigel (producer and requisite British critical jedge) watched in "all astonishment" as Benji bumped and grinded, contorted his boot-ay and put on one sexy mug. When Nigel asked him what the folks back home might think of all this sexual movement, Benji revealed **gasp** that he enjoyed this obvious departure from West Coast Swing and could get used to these "sexually charged" dances.

And that's when, in my mind anyway, Benji lost his virginity... and won the country. The rest is history. He danced, stepped, waltzed, swung, hip hopped, and Broadway starred his way into the hearts of everyone in America.

Take that, you Mormon hussy who dumped Benji! He rocks and now, he rules.


Matt said...

Hadn't heard that story before. That's a great one -- wonder what his ex is up to now, besides sitting in Utah watching HER famous ex on television????

- Matt

Dave said...

Julie, are you talking about another reality-TV show? It sounds like it but I feel a bit clueless. To me, "Benji" is (and probably always will be) that little mutt from the movies that were so inexplicably popular back in the 1970's...

julieunplugged said...

The huge summer hit "So You Think You Can Dance." It's an American Idol knock-off for dance. What a great show!


Matt said...

Ah, but not as great as Hasselhoff's new vehicle, "America's Got Talent." Superb! (he says with a HUGE level of sarcasm in his voice).

OldMom said...

It is some type of comment on 'reality' TV (an oxymoron if I ever heard one :-) ) that I thought, right up to the end, that this was a MOVIE review. . .clearly if this was a real room, Dave and I would have to go off in the corner and wonder what everyone else was talking about;-)


julieunplugged said...

I am "sort of" kicking myself that I wrote an entire article without offering you the most obvious of cluse as to what I was talking about. This is the problem with rabid fans. They assume the whole world is already absorbed in the Critical Issues facing their Cherished Heroes.

Today, I was at Dick's Sporting Goods and noticed that Carson Palmer Bengals jerseys were $75.00 for adults. You see, this is the town for fans. They will actually wear a jersey that says Palmer on the back and walk around sure that you know that that night is the first scrimmage of the season. (And we all knew that Carson wouldn't be playing due to his injury recovery but everyone supports him just the same.)

Most people here date things according to the Reds opening day every year.

The point is, I'm around people who tend to all pay attention to the same events and show it off...

"So You Think You Can Dance" is having a national tour and in Cinci, it sold out within a half hour. So yes, everyone here knows Benji. :)

Fans. I'm a fan of them. :)


Dave said...

I was in Kansas City when the "American Idol" tour went through Grand Rapids two nights ago. They played the Van Andel, I would have been there working the concessions if my schedule had allowed...

Matt said...

At least living in Cincy, you are loyal enough to date your year by your own teams -- as a Washingtonian, my year is broken up by the Cowboys season (rather than the Redskins), the Mets (rather than the Nationals), and the Celtics (rather than the Wizards).

And I wonder why I still don't quite fit in with the sports fans around here!!

- Matt

brian said...

Sorry, Julie. I was hoping Travis would win when Allison went out. I thought she was clearly the best of the bunch.

Benji's story was interesting. But, I couldn't get past his goofy personality. Just a little too cheesy for me.

I knew exactly what you were talking about when I saw the headline. Like a good loyal American I watch just about all of the reality TV shows. So, do you watch Big Brother?


julieunplugged said...

Brian, you and my son Jacob agree on this one. He was a bigtime Allison fan and was crushed when she got voted off. At that point, Jacob and Johannah both transferred allegiance to Ivan and then to Travis.

I, alone, supported Benji from the beginning. :)